From Colleen

Hi all,

Usually Cason is the one who writes blog updates, but I thought I would try to share what is going on in my heart.  I'm not planning on writing much about what we've been up to this summer, but know that we are having a really good time with family and friends. I put pictures throughout this post of highlights from the summer so far. 

*****

At a wedding with some of my best friends

I am so thankful for all those who have surrounded us with prayer and support.  I feel like God has used His body of believers to show us His love.  We are still in the adoption process… which is a scary prospect, but we are cautiously excited to finally get to be parents.  We are basically “on call” now and could hear any day or night that we have a child. 

One difficult issue for me has been waiting and feeling like my joy is somehow cheapened by what we’ve gone through.  We are so ready to be parents and it is very hard living everyday knowing that we could get a call that will change our lives and lead to the joy of parenthood… while at the same time knowing that it could just as easily lead to more heartache.   Like in our previous situation, unless there is a birthfather present to sign over his rights to the baby after 72 hours, he will legally have 30 days to step forward to claim his offspring.  I’m so worried that I won’t be able to love my child fully knowing that… that’ll I’ll be afraid that something else will happen, so I won’t commit fully. 

Cason went to a concert with his sister and her boyfriend

In many ways, I feel like I should be “over this” by now - that I should be able to trust in God’s plan for my life so traumatic experiences shouldn’t phase me, or be content because everything is just part of God’s plan.  I have read so many stories of Christians going through much more traumatic things than we have been through, and yet come out unscathed, trusting, humble, and unwavering in their faith in God.  I feel guilty that I am not that person.  That I am not so solid, that I still struggle with what has happened, that I don’t yet see the purpose in our suffering. 

We are trying so hard to be faithful and seek God through all of this, and at times I feel like I am doing well and am strong… but at others I am crippled, feeling like something as simple as praying is impossible.  

*****

We went on a wonderful family vacation with the Ramsays at the end of May

I am currently going through a Bible study with my sisters all about detoxifying thought life.  It has been incredibly insightful for me to read how poisonous my thoughts can be … such as “God hears my prayers and decides to use my desires against me so I should keep my hopes and dreams to myself,” “If I was a stronger Christian, and had more faith I would have the family I have always wanted,” or “Why has everyone else had it so easy while we continue to fail.  Are we doing something wrong?  Is this a punishment?”  I have been fighting thoughts like this ever since we returned from Kenya.  Even though I know that my thinking is not theologically sound, it is somehow hard to feel that God loves me, that my suffering is a product of a fallen world, and that He wants me to be joyful.

*****

This morning our pastor preached about conflict.   One of his primary points was that God uses conflict to sanctify us.  As Christians, we should embrace conflict so we can look to God for resolution and to restore us.  God is sovereign over conflict.   He is sovereign over sin, even though He is apart from sin.  He brings conflict in our lives to refine us and so we will look past earthly troubles to see His work and purpose. 

Those truths sound great from the pulpit, but can be so hard to internalize them, to let go and trust.  But I know that is what I need to hear… That even though we don’t have answers now, or see a purpose to all of this, God is using this conflict to teach us, to teach others and to help us grow in our faith.  He is sovereign over this situation; He brought this conflict to refine us.  It was not to be cruel, nor was it just a random, awful occurrence that happened outside of God’s control.  As Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis “What you meant for evil, the Lord meant for good.”  We pray that God will use the evil and sin surrounding Asher/Jason’s beginning of life, and the fact that we were caught up in it, to bring the Gospel – redemption, healing, restoration… the adoption of souls by the Lord. 

As always, thanks for reading and for journeying with us. 

-Colleen

On a much lighter note… We got a puppy.  It was something we have been talking about since December and finally decided it was the right time.  She is a precious little golden doodle who is currently using up all of our time and energy, but has brought us many laughs and much joy.  I love her!  Enjoy this serious of ridiculously cute pictures…

Indy spooning with one of our foster kittens

First day at our house

She likes to cuddle... even when Cason is just crouches down to get work done

She doesn't like being on the floor of the car... so I usually let her in my lap! Cason doesn't...

Our puppy, Indy, is a Mini Golden Doodle that my Aunt Kathy breeds, so let me know if you're interested in one!

May Update

Friends, thank you again for your outpouring of love and support for us and for Asher the past month and a half. It is hard to believe that he is over 7 weeks old now and that we haven't seen him since April 4th. We received word recently that he was discharged from the NICU and is at home with his father. The father doesn’t yet have full custody, but was granted temporary guardianship until things are finalized. Asher’s new name is Jason, so we’re going to try to call him that from now on.

*****

My parents have come to visit a few times which is such an encouragement

I’ve probably started to write this post a hundred times in the last month, but it is difficult to know what to say. We are trying to move forward with life, and have good days and bad. Like I said in a previous post, this trauma is much less spiritually devastating than we've had before, yet we are still extremely sad and have so many unanswerable questions.

We've been blessed to have family and friends surround us during this time, and they have been a welcome distraction. The worst times are those fleeting moments between the scenes of life... when our minds inevitably wander to what happened and what might have been.

In spite of our setbacks, we are still in the process of adopting... we love the agency that we're working with from Cincinnati, and trust that they will find the right situation and child for us. Obviously, we're probably not ready to have an open, ongoing relationship with a birth mother again after being deceived like we were, but our desire to adopt children hasn't wavered. We'd appreciate your prayers for that process, and especially for wisdom for the adoption agency and birth mothers.

*****

Through our situation, we've heard multiple stories of families who have had children ripped away from them in much more horrific circumstances than ours. Just recently, a foster family who had raised their son from birth, had the courts give him back to his unstable, recently incarcerated, birth father as an almost 3 year old... I literally cannot imagine that family's heartbreak. My chest felt like it was going to explode after just 8 days with Asher, and I still struggle walking into the nursery we had prepared for him, even though he never came home with us. We still love him dearly, and pray for him and his birth father regularly.

The response to our blog posts has been overwhelming, and we are thankful to all who showered us with love. I am also humbled by many who have thanked me for writing honestly, for not being afraid to hurt openly, and for asking tough questions. I feel like I don't know much these days, but I do know that God is big enough to handle difficult questions, as well as our pain. He has to be. As a Christian, I don't think that I'm supposed to have all of the answers or feel like I have to protect God or His word... those things can stand on their own without my help.

I’m not trying to be crass or disrespectful; I just don’t think that God needs me to change my rhetoric or sugarcoat my feelings for fear of making Him look bad.  Jacob, David, Paul, and others in scripture cried out to the Lord, were angry with Him, wrestled with Him, or questioned Him on their journeys. Even though we don’t understand, I believe those raw, genuine struggles shape us as people and vet our true beliefs. 

*****

Thanks so much for your love and support!

During the last few weeks, I've written out many thoughts and struggles, but it is difficult to know what to share or even if this blog is the right venue. We’re trying to have faith, to trust in God’s plan for our lives, but in so many ways (even beyond this failed adoption) we feel completely stuck… in limbo. Almost every big decision or event in the last 3 years has been a struggle, ended in heartbreak, and/or I fail to see God in it. However, even though we don’t understand and don’t necessarily  feel close to the Lord right now, we know that He is there, and we are continuing to seek Him.

I think I am starting to understand how the Psalmist can write, “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?” followed a few stanzas later by, “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me.” Though they seem at odds, those emotions don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

Sometimes there seems to be a disconnect between the God I say that I believe in, and that one that I am experiencing (or not experiencing) in practice. It seems to me like it would be easier, or possibly make more sense intellectually, to be an atheist or an agnostic… to explain away my problems and the depravity of the world as a cosmic accident or coincidence. Surely a loving God wouldn’t allow all this to happen, right? But I can’t actually believe that… even if I want to, my heart won’t let me, and that fact – that my faith remains in spite of me – is some of the most real proof to me that God is there, and my faith in Him is not misplaced.

Thanks again for your encouragement and support, and mostly for your prayers for us and for Asher/Jason. We really cannot express how much we appreciate the love that has been shown to us the last month and a half.

-Cason

Want to give these guys a home?

PS - This didn't seem to fit anywhere else in the post, so I'll stick it down here.  Colleen got some foster kittens from the humane society a week or so after we lost Asher. As strange as it may be, it really was a Godsend. To have something to nurture and to laugh at was the best kind of therapy, especially for her. Two of her kittens have been adopted, but there are still two needing homes, so let her know if you are interested – they have been smothered with love and are incredibly sweet!

Numb.

We received word that the paternity test was a match, so Asher will become the custody of his birth father after a family court hearing.  There's nothing that we can do about it. 

I thought that we would react emotionally to the news, but I guess we are all cried out from Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday.  We are both just so numb... so cold.  I found out on my way home from work.  Colleen had just read the email when I walked in the door.  I sat on the couch next to her... and we just stared into space for about an hour.  It was a huge disappointment, but it was also expected.  I guess you never know exactly how you'll react in these situations; we've just sat in silence for most of the evening, captive to our own thoughts. 

In some ways, it is nice that the finality came relatively quickly.  In eight days we went from "in the process," to suddenly parents, to the happiest day of our lives because everything was official, to blindsided, to praying for a miracle, to numb.  With the triplets in Kenya, we suffered a slow death, since the process dragged out over weeks and months.  At least the now we were mercifully put out of our misery.  

I'll post more later about how we're feeling, and where we go from here.  For now we just wanted to let people know the result.  We miss our boy terribly and still ache to be with him. We will continue to pray for him as we do the other children we've "lost."  There are pictures on our wall that remind us to pray for them, and now we'll have to add another one. 

There's so much we don't understand about this world and how it operates.  Thank you so much for your love, prayers, and support as we work through things.  We'd appreciate you joining us in praying for Asher and for his father.  

- Cason

48 hours of thoughts

Blogging is therapeutic for me.  It helps me organize my thoughts, reflect, and process what has happened.  I've reread the post that I wrote after we lost the triplets at least every other month since we left Kenya.  It has helped me remember that place... those thoughts and emotions.  It's almost like past me is writing to present me.  I've seen how I've changed since that time, in what ways I have (or haven't) grown or matured in the last year and a half, and it also takes me back to the raw disappointment of feeling utterly lost in the world.  

The following are vignettes of my thoughts and emotions of the last 48 hours.  Please don't judge me by these paragraphs alone, but just continue to pray with us in this time.  I am hoping that I will be able to look back on this post from happy future times, to remember the past, see how we've grown, and to see where God was when I couldn't see Him at all.

*** The Body ***

We have been overwhelmed beyond words with the outpouring of sympathy, prayers, and support we've received from all corners, including many people that we have never met.  So many have shared our blog through our various communities, that we are blessed to have people  praying for us and for Asher from all over the world.

In unspoken half-thoughts on Monday night and Tuesday morning, I wondered... hoped maybe... if the sheer spiritual force praying on our behalf would turn the tide of tragic events.  We have grandmothers, aunts and others, who walk with the Lord in ways I can only imagine... surely if He wouldn't listen to my begging and reasoning, He'd listen to them, to everyone.

The empathizing of God's people is such an uplifting phenomenon... just knowing that other people know for sure that He is there, and realizing that they are beseeching Him on our behalf, lifts our spiritual connection and faith.  God designed a body of believers for a reason, and it is incredible to feel other parts move into action when we are hurting.

Thank you, thank you again for every email, text, phone call, message, post, and comment, and especially for every prayer.  Not all of the scripture or messages are easy to hear right now, but God's Word stands on it's own, and (though I may try) who am I to argue against it.  The support and encouragement we've received means more than you know.

*** What Happened ***

Monday morning with Colleen

First, a little more about what happened.  I said in previous posts that the birth mother, who we've had a great relationship with through this whole process, told the birth father that she'd miscarried and then deceived everyone else about his whereabouts.  On Monday, two days after permanently terminating her rights, she inexplicably sent him a text saying she'd had his baby, but that the child was going to be adopted through an open adoption.  He immediately came to the hospital, walking in on Colleen holding Asher in the NICU.  We waited for one excruciating night before Tuesday morning when the birth father talked to the adoption agent with his mother.  They made it very clear that he wants his son back and that continuing with the plan to give him up for adoption was not an option for them.  So, contingent upon his paternity test and a family court hearing, he will gain full custody of our Asher.  

The birth mother does/did not want the birth father to have Asher at all, but she fully gave up her rights on Saturday, and now will probably never get to see her son again.  As furious as we are at her for lying to everyone, she really needs prayer in this time, as I'm sure she's in extreme anguish. 

*** Not Again ***

Tears. Rage. Disbelief. Feeling I could vomit. A crushing weight in my chest. Endless questions... Deja vu. 

I've been here before.

The one theme that has been constant in my mind since we first got wind there might be problems with our adoption is, "This can not be happening... again."

About a year and a half ago, Colleen and I were in Kenya.  We had been fervently seeking the Lord about staying longer as missionaries and also asking for a way we could to adopt a set of triplets that we dearly loved from the orphanage where Colleen worked.  Against all odds, we found out we could adopt them as Kenyan residents, so we blissfully made plans to take care of them and continue our ministry in Kenya.

Never before in my life had God's will seemed so clear... we were asking for signs, and they were being answered... we were diligently seeking the Lord in prayer, and we felt more in tune with Him and His will than any other time.  Then, in an eerily similar fashion to the last two days, some family members who we thought had no interest in the children were discovered, saying that they had been lied to and deceived.  Just as now, they legally, rightfully, took the children out of our arms... and left us holding the pieces of our faith.  It is literally unbelievable to me that I can now talk about the most horrible time in my life as "this time," and "last time," as I caught myself doing on the phone today.

Here's the link to the post I wrote in November 2010 after that happened.  I could copy passages from that text and paste them right into what I am feeling now.  Many of the emotions are exactly the same, though thankfully, this disappointment has been less of a spiritual struggle (i.e. wondering "Why God?", "Is there a God?" and "What was/is my faith in?") and is more purely emotional/psychological desperation (i.e.,  "Why?...why again?").  Like I mentioned in the first paragraph, this blog has become a way for us to reflect and evaluate different points in our lives.  The second half of this post from just a few months ago is a reflection on how we've/I've processed and changed a little over a year removed from our disappointment with the triplets.  

I will always remember September 14th, 2010.  That was the day I was playing soccer with my team on a dusty practice field in Kenya and I got a call... our adoption of the triplets was beginning to unravel.  My few days of joyous happiness were starting to be crushed, and after an excruciating almost 2 months, it was confirmed on November 9th that we wouldn't get those beautiful children.  I will never forget those days.  And now I have some more to never forget: April 2&3, 2012.

*** The Curmudgeon ***

I am a cautious, cynical person by nature.  Sometimes this is a definite character flaw, but at others, it keeps me grounded, realistic, and helps me to balance Colleen's free-spirited, full-throttle outlook on life.  I'm convinced that the reason people love us as a couple is 80% to do with Colleen and, at best, 20% to do with me.  And that's only because a few people find my cynical, self-deprecating humor tolerable.  But that's why I married her... she's so genuine... she's the quirky dreamer who makes me laugh and who is universally loved...  and I'm fine being her curmudgeon. 

The two times in life that I feel I have really "let myself go," putting aside my cautious nature against my instincts and better judgment were with the triplets and with Asher.

With the triplets, it was the first time that I was really stepping out in faith... like I said before, I was praying, believing... asking, receiving.  It was genuine spiritual direction, and I decided not to try to control everything like I usually do, or to protect my heart, but to "work out" my faith by emotionally committing to taking action.

Sunday night was one of the happiest of my life

In Asher's case, I did it for him.  Colleen and I talked beforehand about how scared we were going to be during the 72 hour waiting period before the birth mom could officially sign over her rights, and how it would be hard to fully love and commit to our child.  But I kept saying that we had to... we had to pull a "Colleen" by jumping in with both feet for the sake of our baby.  And if that meant we got crushed, so be it.  I thought trying to halfheartedly love him would be worse than the disappointment of losing him.

Multiple people commented to Colleen how amazed they were that I was so "all in," excited, and loving from the very beginning.  I was... I knew I had to be for my son and so Colleen would let herself love him fully.  As you know, we made it well past the 72 hours, and still our hearts got ripped from our chests. 

Both of these times that I "lived by faith" or really put myself out there, that has been the outcome.  The two happiest days of my life - when we found out we were getting the triplets, and Saturday when Asher was finally, actually ours - have led directly to my biggest disappointments... times I have been absolutely crushed in every way emotionally and spiritually.  

There's no point or question in this section... just the facts.  I don't know what they mean, except that it might take something miraculous for a curmudgeon like me, with tendencies toward bitterness, to recover from being hurt beyond words in two separate moments of intentional vulnerability and faith.

 *** (Many) Tears ***

After the initial shock of the horrible news, the times I am getting the most emotional or upset is when I think about the happiness Asher would have brought to me and to others.  Maybe that means that I'm selfish in all of this.  I do love him... immensely... and thoughts of him spending his first few months in the NICU without a mother constantly at his side, or growing up in a single-parent home, are difficult to bear.  But the reality is, I am most distraught when I contemplate how these events hurt others that I love. 

I can't look into my wife's eyes without completely losing it.  She's going to be such a great mother.  Whenever she'd freak out about this adoption, I kept telling her that the one thing I had absolutely no doubts about was her role as an incredible mom.  She's been nesting and preparing for motherhood for most of our marriage, and really for her whole life.  She used to bottle feed plastic dinosaurs and play "family" with the chess set as a kid, and anyone who's met her knows that she is maternal to the core.  She won't be the cleanest or most organized mom in the world... and her kids definitely won't be the cleanest/trendiest (except immediately after Auntie Adrienne dresses them), but she'll have the happiest children in the world... she'll be incredible.  And every time I look into her eyes, I see that those moments were taken from her yet again.  I'm supposed to be her protector, the leader of his family... and I just feel weak and hopeless.

In the weeks before Asher was born, Colleen would say, "I just can't believe that it's real... that we're actually going to get him.  Sometimes it just seems impossible that we'll ever have kids."  I tried to be a reassuring husband, and tell her that everything was on course.  That God loves us and created us for family.  Now what am I supposed to say? 

The other thought that has sent me into hysterics is surprising to me; it's when I picture Asher with my dad.  I have an incredible father, who loves me so much.  We don't have the most intimate emotional relationship, but I never doubted for a second how much I was cherished.  He would tell me over and over again when I was growing up that he loved me...  It actually got annoying and embarrassing at times.  However, this week as I sat by Asher's incubator, I just kept telling my little boy how much I loved him, and about all the great times we were going to have together, just like I had with my dad.  An image of my father holding Asher flashed in my mind repeatedly, and it was one of the most perfect thoughts I've ever had... seeing him so proud that his son had a son.  

*** Heartbreak / Heartache ***

It is amazing how much love you can build up in six days.  I guess, before a few years ago, I thought that heartache/break were words made up by Hollywood or companies that make fancy chocolates - maybe that means I'd lived a sheltered, relatively pain-free life.  However, I learned that those descriptions are very much real and appropriate at the end of our time in Kenya, and as I drove to Cincinnati on Monday, that dark, familiar weight came back.  Like a boulder sitting on my chest, but somehow inside of me... and my heart literally aching in pain.  It's incredible that a person you've known for less than a week can make you feel like that, yet there I was, hardly able to breathe just because a father might want his son back.  His precious, beautiful son, who was supposed to be my son.  

I'm not going to ask all of the difficult questions flitting about in my head like "why," and "where God," and "what does prayer even do"... I've asked them all before and realize that they don't accomplish much.  However, I feel like we've done something wrong.  Like we're broken... as functioning people... as Christians.  I don't know what it is like to have children die, and I would never trivialize something so tragic by comparing it to our situation, but I do feel like we've lost 4 children in a year and a half.  How do you get over that? 

Maybe to get un-heartbroken, I really need to see God move, to do something.  I know He doesn't owe me anything, but if He really does love us as much as He says He does... shouldn't I be able to see it?  Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. 

*** Embarrassed ***

Of the the strangest emotions that Colleen and I have shared the last two days is embarrassment.  We know that this isn't our fault, but we feel ridiculous for getting everyone so excited.  For writing blog posts and putting up pictures.  For the preemie clothes and other gifts that people bought for us.

I know that no one blames us for what happened, but it feels like this cheapens our future joy... how are we supposed to be as excited next time, if there is a next time?  I think I feel like I should have known this might happen... that I should have stayed skeptical and guarded to the bitter end.  That we shouldn't have gone all in with pictures and videos and proud blogposts, because now we've upset everything and everyone, including ourselves.  

*** Job ***

Job, the guy, not what you do to make a living.

We've had quite a few people writing to us about Job, who God used to prove to Satan that His people remain faithful even in the toughest of times.  That is very flattering, though I know that many of my reactions have been very un-Job-like in their tone and thought.  I would never claim to have the resolute faith of that man, though I hope the fact that I know that I will come out of this (eventually...) still walking with the Lord is a testament to His hold on my life. 

The one problem is, I don't want to be Job or anything resembling a 21st-century version of Job-mini or Job-lite.  I don't want to be the guy with the sad, slightly vindictive blog, a beautiful motherly wife, and no children or direction.  I want to be what so many of you are... a parent to a son.  Someone who feels like God is there for him... that God has shown Himself and come through when it mattered.  Maybe we'll get our end-of-Job moment of blessing someday, but maybe not.  I will do my best to praise the Lord either way, but it would really help things if I could really see Him just one time.  

*** A Miracle ***

At this point, it seems like it will take a miracle for our situation to be reversed.  Either the birth father has to fail the paternity test, which seems quite unlikely by all indications, or the birth father has to fail the "able to provide" test, which is even less of a possibility. 

We feel horrible for the birth father, having his world turned upside down all with one text message.  We wish that he would see the merits of giving his son up to a loving two-parent home over raising him with his mother, but we don't begrudge his decision.  It is difficult to wrap our heads around all the deceit and manipulation of the birth mother.  As you can read in previous posts, we had a good relationship with her, were planning on having a very "open" adoption, and we had been trying hard to be her family while she was in the hospital.  I can't begin to imagine what possessed her to contact the birth father again after she had given up rights.  In the end, she got the exact opposite of the situation she was hoping for... her child being raised by the birth father, and little to no chance of contact with her son. 

I'm having a hard time praying for a miracle... I just can't do it with conviction.  I appreciate so much all the people who are praying for us, especially for Asher to still somehow be our son.  But right now I can't allow that thought into my head.  My cynical side took me to some dark emotional places after we kept the faith to the bitter end with the triplets... and I just don't think I can handle that disappointment again.  Hope can be a dangerous thing.

I do believe that God is a miracle-worker... that He has intervened in mighty ways in the past and that He will do it again.  It is hard for me to think that will ever happen in my life, but we definitely appreciate your prayers on that front.  We will probably find out by early next week about the paternity test. 

So please, please, keep praying for a miracle.  I hope I'm proved so wrong for my lack of faith! 

*****

Thanks so much for reading my emotional-filled explosions and blurbs.  I'm not really looking for answers or rebuttals to what I've said - just time to continue to process what we've been through and where we've been on our walk with the Lord.  Please know that I understand that we don't have the market cornered on hurt and pain in this world... we've seen far too much evil and sin to entertain those notions.  This is just an outlet to share our story so friends and family can know what is going on.  I also realize that I need to take some of my own advice from a post I wrote in January:

"But the one thing I’ve learned the last 12+ months is that while getting upset and demanding answers may feel empowering temporarily, it doesn’t really accomplish anything.  Same with expecting things to be rational or fair - all it does is lead to bitterness.  Our experience with the triplets hasn’t damaged our faith in the Lord, but it has caused us to consider how He interacts in our lives - and how we interpret it.  ...All we can do is pray for those beautiful children and trust our Heavenly Father to take care of them.  If you think about it, we’d really appreciate your prayers for the triplets, and for us."

We truly do appreciate so much the constant prayers and encouragement.  It is humbling to know that so many care for our little boy, and for us, and that the body of Christ is beseeching the Lord on our behalf.  Thanks again.

- Cason

Last one.

We're losing our son

Update on the previous post:

While we were in holding and praying over Asher today, we received some devastating news. The birth father wants to care for his son, so contingent on a paternity test, Asher will be taken from us.

This is the second cataclysmic disappointment for us as far as adopting children in the last year and a half, so we're obviously questioning many things right now.

Thanks you for your continued prayers.

-Cason

Call to Prayer

You may have seen from our last few posts on Facebook that our joy in adopting Asher has been devastated with difficult news and an uncertain future. Saturday evening we posted that Asher was officially ours, which, as far a we knew, was true. The only person who could circumvent our adoption was a birth father who didn't know his son existed... which is exactly what happened. We had been told that the birth father knew of his child, was not at all interested him, had moved to California, and changed his cell phone number.

However, it turns out the birth mother lied to everyone, including telling the father that she'd had a miscarriage back in October. Monday, after her rights had been terminated for almost 2 days, she was having second thoughts, so she contacted the father and told him he had a son.  He showed up in the NICU while Colleen was holding Asher, which was obviously unbelievably traumatic.   

Now our entire adoption hangs on what the probably overwhelmed 20 year old birth father wants to do.  The birth mother completely terminated her rights, and seemed so happy to give him up to us.  When she experienced some doubts, like most birth mothers do, she received counseling through the adoption agency from mothers who have given children up in the past.  We thought that things were okay, and were completely blindsided by this news.

The birth mother has no idea what she wants now, since she told the adoption agent that she doesn't want the father to have any rights over the child... that's probably why she lied to him in the first place.  But now that she's brought him into things, it is all his choice, and he can get sole custody, as long as he passes a paternity test and proves that he can provide for the child (apparently his mother would take care of Asher). 

Our adoption agent told us from the beginning, that in 20+ years of doing adoptions, she never had a birth father come back to claim his rights.  But honestly, based on text messages and what has been said so far, chances are very high that we will lose our son. 

So friends, this is a call to pray.  At 8:30am this morning, the birth parents are meeting with the adoption agency to discuss their options, and our son's future hangs in the balance.  It is hard to believe that there is so much turmoil in his little, 6 day old life, especially as we were stroking his soft hair last night.  We will be by his side again today, weeping, praying, and feeling helpless right along with him, as other people make decisions that will shape the rest of all of our lives. 

We believe in a God who can change hearts and minds, and who is sovereign over man.  We need Him to come to us in a big way.  Please pray for Godly wisdom for the adoption agents and social workers, for the emotionally unstable birth mother, for clarity of thought for a young birth father who just found out he has a son, and especially for a beautiful 6 day old boy... that all involved would have his best interest at heart and that the Lord's will would be done in his life. 

We are terrified, and feel like we are going through having our future and the child(ren) we love ripped away from us, just like a year and a half ago in Kenya with the triplets.  Please pray for us if the news isn't good... I don't think I can do this again... I can't watch another child taken away from my loving wife.  I believe that God can do miracles, but I also know that I've asked for them before in a very similar situation and had to return home without our children.

Thank you so much for your prayers.

Cason

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. - Psalm 37:4

Out of the mouth of infants and nursing babes, you have established your strength. - Psalm 8:2