Hi all,
Usually Cason is the one who writes blog updates, but I
thought I would try to share what is going on in my heart. I'm not planning on writing much about what we've been up to this summer, but know that we are having a really good time with family and friends. I put pictures throughout this post of highlights from the summer so far.
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| At a wedding with some of my best friends |
I am so thankful for all those who have surrounded us with
prayer and support. I feel like God
has used His body of believers to show us His love. We are still in the adoption process… which is a scary
prospect, but we are cautiously excited to finally get to be parents. We are basically “on call” now and
could hear any day or night that we have a child.
One difficult issue for me has been waiting and feeling like
my joy is somehow cheapened by what we’ve gone through. We are so ready to be parents and it is
very hard living everyday knowing that we could get a call that will change our
lives and lead to the joy of parenthood… while at the same time knowing that it
could just as easily lead to more heartache. Like in our
previous situation, unless there is a birthfather present to sign over his
rights to the baby after 72 hours, he will legally have 30 days to step forward
to claim his offspring. I’m so
worried that I won’t be able to love my child fully knowing that… that’ll I’ll
be afraid that something else will happen, so I won’t commit fully.
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| Cason went to a concert with his sister and her boyfriend |
In many ways, I feel like I should be “over this” by now - that
I should be able to trust in God’s plan for my life so traumatic experiences shouldn’t
phase me, or be content because everything is just part of God’s plan. I have read so many stories of
Christians going through much more traumatic things than we have been through, and
yet come out unscathed, trusting, humble, and unwavering in their faith in
God. I feel guilty that I am not
that person. That I am not so
solid, that I still struggle with what has happened, that I don’t yet see the
purpose in our suffering.
We are trying so hard to be faithful and seek God through
all of this, and at times I feel like I am doing well and am strong… but at
others I am crippled, feeling like something as simple as praying is
impossible.
*****
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| We went on a wonderful family vacation with the Ramsays at the end of May |
I am currently going through a Bible study with my sisters
all about detoxifying thought life.
It has been incredibly insightful for me to read how poisonous my
thoughts can be … such as “God hears my prayers and decides to use my desires
against me so I should keep my hopes and dreams to myself,” “If I was a
stronger Christian, and had more faith I would have the family I have always
wanted,” or “Why has everyone else had it so easy while we continue to
fail. Are we doing something
wrong? Is this a punishment?” I have been fighting thoughts like this
ever since we returned from Kenya.
Even though I know that my thinking is not theologically sound, it is
somehow hard to feel that God loves me, that my suffering is a product of a
fallen world, and that He wants me to be joyful.
*****
This morning our pastor preached about conflict. One of his primary points was
that God uses conflict to sanctify us.
As Christians, we should embrace conflict so we can look to God for
resolution and to restore us. God
is sovereign over conflict.
He is sovereign over sin, even though He is apart from sin. He brings conflict in our lives to
refine us and so we will look past earthly troubles to see His work and purpose.
Those truths sound great from the pulpit, but can be so hard
to internalize them, to let go and trust.
But I know that is what I need to hear… That even though we don’t have
answers now, or see a purpose to all of this, God is using this conflict to
teach us, to teach others and to help us grow in our faith. He is sovereign over this situation; He
brought this conflict to refine us.
It was not to be cruel, nor was it just a random, awful occurrence that
happened outside of God’s control.
As Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis “What you meant for evil, the
Lord meant for good.” We pray that
God will use the evil and sin surrounding Asher/Jason’s beginning of life, and the
fact that we were caught up in it, to bring the Gospel – redemption, healing,
restoration… the adoption of souls by the Lord.
As always, thanks for reading and for journeying with
us.
-Colleen
On a much lighter note… We got a puppy. It was something we have been talking about since
December and finally decided it was the right time.
She is a precious little golden doodle who is currently using up all of
our time and energy, but has brought us many laughs and much joy. I love her! Enjoy this serious of
ridiculously cute pictures…
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| Indy spooning with one of our foster kittens |
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| First day at our house |
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| She likes to cuddle... even when Cason is just crouches down to get work done |
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| She doesn't like being on the floor of the car... so I usually let her in my lap! Cason doesn't... |
Our puppy, Indy, is a Mini Golden Doodle that my Aunt Kathy breeds, so let me know if you're interested in one!
Dear Mrs. Colleen (that's what my littles call you). One thing that I have been amazed at is how often my kids still ask to pray for you and "Mr. Cason" when I ask for bedtime prayer requests. My oldest is 5. But they still remember you so often.
ReplyDeleteI love the honesty in your post. I am thankful to know specific lies to pray against for you. Keep fighting the good fight. Praying that God will be preparing and protecting your heart for "the call" and that through HIM you'll be able to love without hesitation. I know it won't be easy. Thanks for sharing. We're always wondering how you both are doing.
Dear Colleen, Thank you for your painful yet tender insight and I confess that I have felt similarly when my husband and I were trudging through infertility testing. It was hard not to ask God "Why?" when the rest of the world seemed to be prolifically producing unwanted children. Ten years to wait for a child seems so long by human standards, but God's timing was perfect for us when He granted the desires of our hearts with four biological babies of our own. Seeing the darling photos of Indy reminded me of the phrase I clung to when I was so discouraged and fearful to fully trust in Him: "Don't wrestle with Him, but nestle in Him." Let Indy remind you to nestle in God's peace and presence, and trust Him for His blessing, in His time. Praying for you both every day, Bobbi Graves
DeleteCason and Colleen... I loved reading your blog this week. Your words inspired me and touched my heart. Thank you for sharing such a deep part of yourselves, it's great to know that others face the same internal struggles that I do. Whatever God's plan is for you two I hope you know in the mean time that you are an inspiration to my family. I pray the Lord blesses you both with love and abundance. God Bless you both
ReplyDeleteI can relate to your feelings about struggling through the emotions, despite your desire to trust in God's plan. Sometimes I think God chooses a lengthy timely process and other times, its a quick and peaceful release. Going through my divorce in this past year, no matter how positive I was about God's plan for me, it was a long and slow and painful process. There were times where I could "see" God's blessings in my life, but didn't "feel" that joy. With time and support, I have gone through a lot of healing and worry less and less about whether I will one day have a life partner in ministry. But in a related matter, there was this one day that I kept seeing kids--kids, kids everywhere! I am 31 and starting all over again when it comes to dating. Kind of like the game of "Sorry"...I am back home just waiting for the "1 or the 2" just to leave home. Who knows if I will even have time to get going again? But on that day--the Lord reminded me that I am blessed to be able to teach all of the students that I do and that some of those kids are so in need. Its not children in a "traditional" sense--but I also get to bless many, many children who need it. After that night, I was able to just let go of my longing and my fears. Thinking about these 2 different ways that God taught me, it was appropriate that I learn through the pain, the time, the healing, the worry when it came to getting over the loss of my marriage. I learned so much more than I ever could have if it had been that quick release. I think that the Lord can work in either way and He always has a plan for which one he chooses!
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