Numb.

We received word that the paternity test was a match, so Asher will become the custody of his birth father after a family court hearing.  There's nothing that we can do about it. 

I thought that we would react emotionally to the news, but I guess we are all cried out from Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday.  We are both just so numb... so cold.  I found out on my way home from work.  Colleen had just read the email when I walked in the door.  I sat on the couch next to her... and we just stared into space for about an hour.  It was a huge disappointment, but it was also expected.  I guess you never know exactly how you'll react in these situations; we've just sat in silence for most of the evening, captive to our own thoughts. 

In some ways, it is nice that the finality came relatively quickly.  In eight days we went from "in the process," to suddenly parents, to the happiest day of our lives because everything was official, to blindsided, to praying for a miracle, to numb.  With the triplets in Kenya, we suffered a slow death, since the process dragged out over weeks and months.  At least the now we were mercifully put out of our misery.  

I'll post more later about how we're feeling, and where we go from here.  For now we just wanted to let people know the result.  We miss our boy terribly and still ache to be with him. We will continue to pray for him as we do the other children we've "lost."  There are pictures on our wall that remind us to pray for them, and now we'll have to add another one. 

There's so much we don't understand about this world and how it operates.  Thank you so much for your love, prayers, and support as we work through things.  We'd appreciate you joining us in praying for Asher and for his father.  

- Cason