Hi all,
Usually Cason is the one who writes blog updates, but I
thought I would try to share what is going on in my heart. I'm not planning on writing much about what we've been up to this summer, but know that we are having a really good time with family and friends. I put pictures throughout this post of highlights from the summer so far.
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| At a wedding with some of my best friends |
I am so thankful for all those who have surrounded us with
prayer and support. I feel like God
has used His body of believers to show us His love. We are still in the adoption process… which is a scary
prospect, but we are cautiously excited to finally get to be parents. We are basically “on call” now and
could hear any day or night that we have a child.
One difficult issue for me has been waiting and feeling like
my joy is somehow cheapened by what we’ve gone through. We are so ready to be parents and it is
very hard living everyday knowing that we could get a call that will change our
lives and lead to the joy of parenthood… while at the same time knowing that it
could just as easily lead to more heartache. Like in our
previous situation, unless there is a birthfather present to sign over his
rights to the baby after 72 hours, he will legally have 30 days to step forward
to claim his offspring. I’m so
worried that I won’t be able to love my child fully knowing that… that’ll I’ll
be afraid that something else will happen, so I won’t commit fully.
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| Cason went to a concert with his sister and her boyfriend |
In many ways, I feel like I should be “over this” by now - that
I should be able to trust in God’s plan for my life so traumatic experiences shouldn’t
phase me, or be content because everything is just part of God’s plan. I have read so many stories of
Christians going through much more traumatic things than we have been through, and
yet come out unscathed, trusting, humble, and unwavering in their faith in
God. I feel guilty that I am not
that person. That I am not so
solid, that I still struggle with what has happened, that I don’t yet see the
purpose in our suffering.
We are trying so hard to be faithful and seek God through
all of this, and at times I feel like I am doing well and am strong… but at
others I am crippled, feeling like something as simple as praying is
impossible.
*****
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| We went on a wonderful family vacation with the Ramsays at the end of May |
I am currently going through a Bible study with my sisters
all about detoxifying thought life.
It has been incredibly insightful for me to read how poisonous my
thoughts can be … such as “God hears my prayers and decides to use my desires
against me so I should keep my hopes and dreams to myself,” “If I was a
stronger Christian, and had more faith I would have the family I have always
wanted,” or “Why has everyone else had it so easy while we continue to
fail. Are we doing something
wrong? Is this a punishment?” I have been fighting thoughts like this
ever since we returned from Kenya.
Even though I know that my thinking is not theologically sound, it is
somehow hard to feel that God loves me, that my suffering is a product of a
fallen world, and that He wants me to be joyful.
*****
This morning our pastor preached about conflict. One of his primary points was
that God uses conflict to sanctify us.
As Christians, we should embrace conflict so we can look to God for
resolution and to restore us. God
is sovereign over conflict.
He is sovereign over sin, even though He is apart from sin. He brings conflict in our lives to
refine us and so we will look past earthly troubles to see His work and purpose.
Those truths sound great from the pulpit, but can be so hard
to internalize them, to let go and trust.
But I know that is what I need to hear… That even though we don’t have
answers now, or see a purpose to all of this, God is using this conflict to
teach us, to teach others and to help us grow in our faith. He is sovereign over this situation; He
brought this conflict to refine us.
It was not to be cruel, nor was it just a random, awful occurrence that
happened outside of God’s control.
As Joseph said to his brothers in Genesis “What you meant for evil, the
Lord meant for good.” We pray that
God will use the evil and sin surrounding Asher/Jason’s beginning of life, and the
fact that we were caught up in it, to bring the Gospel – redemption, healing,
restoration… the adoption of souls by the Lord.
As always, thanks for reading and for journeying with
us.
-Colleen
On a much lighter note… We got a puppy. It was something we have been talking about since
December and finally decided it was the right time.
She is a precious little golden doodle who is currently using up all of
our time and energy, but has brought us many laughs and much joy. I love her! Enjoy this serious of
ridiculously cute pictures…
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| Indy spooning with one of our foster kittens |
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| First day at our house |
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| She likes to cuddle... even when Cason is just crouches down to get work done |
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| She doesn't like being on the floor of the car... so I usually let her in my lap! Cason doesn't... |
Our puppy, Indy, is a Mini Golden Doodle that my Aunt Kathy breeds, so let me know if you're interested in one!
