cason & colleen: January 2014

Thanks Brian for the family pic!

I’ve been thinking about adoption almost constantly these days. As Cason and I start the adoption process again, and as friends around us are in varying stages of adoption or pregnancy, it has been in the forefront of my mind like it hasn’t been since before Cashel was born. Recently a friend of mine experienced a failed adoption and called to share her loss with me. I was struck by what a unique experience adoption is. Both the pain and the joy are unique. As my friend spoke about grieving over the child she had lost, yet had never met, I couldn’t help but feel excited for the incredible joy she and her husband will get to experience down the road when they do get a baby. Many people might not understand how losing a child who was never seen nor met could be so traumatic, but they haven’t experienced the constant stress and wondering and struggle of adoption. It can be horrible, and yet, once you have a child, the struggle and pain of loss is replaced. It’s not gone, but it definitely is redeemed. The whole thing is constantly exhausting or exhilarating, and sometimes both at once.

Adoption is Broken

Adoption can be so hard, and so painful… and yet I love it… and I mean LOVE it! There are several reason why people adopt. Some do so because they feel compelled or called to do so (whether they are able to have biological children or not), but many people who pursue adoption do so because they are unable to get pregnant. The latter set of parents are typically already entering adoption with pain and trauma. The loneliness that comes from trying and trying to have a family, while it seems everyone around you is getting pregnant, having kids, and expanding their own families… you feel broken, or that God is angry with you and trying to teach you a lesson. He isn’t, just for the record, but that is something that I believed for a long time.

Cason and I talked about wanting to adopt long before we were married, but we also wanted to have biological children. What we didn’t know then is that we would struggle to get pregnant and that adoption would (for now) be our only way to have a family.

I don’t think God’s perfect, original plan for humanity involved adoption. Without sin, all babies would be welcomed into the world by two loving, biological parents, and there would be no need for adoptive families. Though pregnancy and biological child-rearing has it’s own set of potential trauma and issues, it at least potentially begins from a place of God’s plan for the family. Adoption is only possible because of sin and brokenness. Children are available to be adopted because someone was impoverished, too young, raped, deemed unfit to raise a child because of drugs, violence etc, or perhaps the parents have died. Regardless of how the child came to be, these circumstances make adoption very messy. It requires adoptive parents (who have possibly been through years of infertility or other struggles) to trust a birth mother, agency, system, or foreign government that is entirely outside of their control, and is tainted by complex circumstances. This is a recipe for pain, lies, more sin, distrust, fear and loss.

Our History

When we lived in Kenya, we tried to adopt 1 year old triplets who we loved dearly from the orphanage where Colleen worked. We had a lawyer and were making plans to stay in Kenya… it’s a long story that I won’t recount here, but things ended abruptly, in heartache, and with an uncertain future for us and the triplets.

Once back in the US, we were selected by a birthmother who we met with multiples times, and with whom we had a good relationship. She delivered prematurely, and we were with our son in the NICU for eight days before we discovered that the birth mother had lied to us and the birth father, and that he did want to raise his child. Our son was taken from us, and again we were left childless.

Fear and Waiting

By the time we were matched with Cashel’s birthmother, I was at the end of my emotional rope. We had been ready/trying to have children for about 3 years, and had been through the two failed adoptions mentioned previously, losing 4 children that we had thought would be ours. I remember physically shaking when my phone would ring with a call from the adoption agency, since I would get a rush of fear and panic every time.

We had multiple friends and family discover they were pregnant and have babies in this time, and we also had a couple friends who were adopting and brought their new children home. We tried to be joyful and celebrate with them, and we were genuinely happy for them, but it was difficult. The “why me” or “why not me” questions slip so easily into your head, it can be paralyzing. I felt like I was constantly being reminded that I did not have a child, and the worst part was the constant state of not knowing. I was trying to trust that the Lord is good, that He knows my pain, that He loves me and has a plan for me that will glorify Him, but I struggled believing it.

Cashel’s due date was moved many times, and we hadn’t heard anything for weeks right before he was born and feared that his mother had given birth, decided to keep him, and not told the agency. We closed on our first house, and started to move in - I actually unpacked the “baby bag” that I had ready, and remember thinking “It’s been almost three months, so it’s not going to happen in the next few days. I’ll repack once we move.” Of course, we got the call in the midst of moving, and I had to frantically dig through boxes trying to find the baby supplies and my clothes to wear. We waited and waited and waited (with some heartbreak thrown in), and then in an instant, beautiful chaos reigned and we were going to get our son.

I share what we went through, not for pity or condolence, but to express the toll it can take, and to encourage those in the midst of waiting-and-wondering right now, how wonderful it can be in the end.

Redemption

After the struggle and the unknown, adoption can be a beautiful redemption of hurt, loss, and painful circumstances for all parties - for the child to have loving parents, for a mom and dad to have a son or daughter to call their own and for a birthmother to rest in the knowledge that her child is in a stable and loving home. It mirrors spiritual adoption into the body of Christ.

The day Cashel legally became our son, I experienced heavenly joy. A joy that came out of years of struggling and brokenness; joy that must be a foretaste of heaven. I remember when the judge announced that he was OUR SON, thinking that there should be fanfare, singing, trumpets, dancing, or something! In fact when we got home we had a dance party our family and friends in celebration! That joy is something that I might not have fully realized had I not first gone through the hardships of loss and waiting.

Adoption is a glimpse inside our own salvation. We are sinful, broken, and a mess… We are the prodigal son. God is waiting to joyfully adopt us into His family! When we are adopted as His children, there is dancing, singing, and trumpets. The celebration that occurs at our salvation is pictured so beautifully in earthly adoption. I, like Cashel, am in desperate need of a father; I’m in need of redemption from my brokenness and adoption into the family of Christ.

That is why adoption is beautiful to me, even though it has caused me incredible pain and left me questioning so much about myself and what I believe. I would go through that struggle again and again to adopt a child. I love Cashel more than I thought possible. There is a level of thankfulness and joy that I don’t think that I would have had if we didn’t go through all that we did. Even on the hard days of parenting, I am full of love for my son and am so proud of him. I am so blessed by God to have Cashel; he is the perfect child for our family, because God lead us to him and chose us to be his parents. It wasn’t easy, but we are thankful for the precious baby (though not so much a baby anymore!) that God placed in our arms.

Those reading this that are in the waiting stage of adoption, I want to encourage you… It gets so much better! The pain and frustration now makes the joy you will experience SO wonderful, because we can see in it the joy of salvation. We lost four children. We still miss them, we still pray for them, we still love them… BUT when our adoption was complete, I could look back and say that I would do all that again in a heartbeat. God used that weakness and struggle to draw us close and to teach us to Trust in who HE is. He used that experience to expose lies and doubts in my own faith; it was painful, and working through it came slowly, but without those experiences, I would not have known what it means to have my faith truly tested - to trust God and His strength in my weakness and at my most vulnerable.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

He turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

-Psalm 40:1-3

I remember a time when only the beginning of this scripture rang true - only the section about needing to be rescued from the pit. I would skip the rest, because I couldn't relate or couldn't believe it. Now I understand. He has put a NEW song in my mouth, one full of joy and praise. I have see the Lord and put my trust in Him.

Thanks for reading. Love, Colleen

Here's some fun videos from December to show how amazingly blessed our lives are!: